


you

by scorpio_rat



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Artist Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Cigarettes, Dancer Lee Minho | Lee Know, Depression, Dorms, Drinking, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), Lee Minho | Lee Know has Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks, Roommates, Self-Harm, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27577901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpio_rat/pseuds/scorpio_rat
Summary: title is taken from the song you by petit biscuit as it's a very safe song for me and whenever I'm not doing well I always have it on repeatFelix has always struggled with overthinking, but he was alright. that is until one day he was not and nothing really seemed to matter anymore, because we all die anyways right?please read the tags before reading, this story contains triggering content so please be aware of that before reading and stay safe, you matter and I love you <3
Relationships: Lee Felix/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Kudos: 40





	1. you - petit biscuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two boys bond over the cigarettes that slowly kills them but keeps them breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains triggering content !!! please read with caution and take care of yourselves ilysm <3

Felix's point of view

Felix couldn't say he had always been good at hiding what he was feeling, it was something that came through time and practice. he had moved into a dormitory with 7 other boys around his age this summer when he moved to college two hours from his childhood town.  
at first he didn't think of getting close to the others, but as they started to unravel their personalities he couldn't help wanting to get to know them, at least a little bit more than awkward hello's and smiles in the elevator at various hours of the day when they happened to go into it at the same time. he couldn't risk getting close to someone though, because he knew it would be all too much for him. although it would prove to not be that easy  
-  
Felix woke up that morning feeling absolutely drained, he knew it was gonna be one of those days as soon as he opened his eyes. "it's fine, you just need to get through today and you can go back into bed" he thought. he looked up to the window and saw white snow falling down, some landing on the branches of the giant tree which was lit up by a streetlamp right outside, painting it beautifully in the colors of winter. he tried reminding himself of the beauty of the first snow day this year, although it had come early. it was only the 15th of November and he had expected a couple more weeks. he allowed himself to lay there for a few more minutes, it was still dark outside but he knew if he didn't start pushing himself now it would only be harder.  
he managed to get himself sitting up, putting on a pair of loose jeans and socks with stars and constellations on them. he then grabbed a dark green wool sweater on his way out, trying hard not to wake his still sleeping roommate Jeongin up. as he closed the door he took a quick look at the clock on his nightstand which read 04:56 am

-

he pulled the sweater over his head and stuck his arms through, grabbed his box of cigarettes and lighter and headed outside as quietly as possible after putting on black shoes, not bothering to tie them up.  
as soon as he got out he leaned against the wall of the dormitory and pulled a cigarette out, lighting it up and taking a long breath in before releasing the smoke out into the cold air.  
"you're only 19 aren't you?" a voice said from his right and he almost dropped his cigarette, it was one of the boys he shared a dorm with, Minho. he hadn't talked much to him, but he knew he was two years older than him and studied dance at the same college Felix went to.  
he was so lost in thought he almost forgot to answer his question  
"yeah" he said, exhaling another breath of smoke  
"why are you destroying your lungs like that then?" he said, pulling out his own cigarette from a box of marlboro golds. "can I have a light?" he then asked  
"you aren't that much older than me you know" he replied and handed him his black lighter.  
a smirk spread across Minho's face as his took the lighter to his cigarette and lit it before handing it back.  
"so you study philosophy?" he then asked  
"no, I study art, why did you think I studied philosophy?"  
"just thought since you're always in your own thoughts and look like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, seriously though, are you doing alright?"  
and for some reason Felix felt like breaking apart and spilling all his thoughts and emotions to this almost stranger, but he didn't.  
"yeah, just a bit stressed with school is all"  
he didn't think to ask Minho why he too was up so early in the morning 

-

the next time he spoke to Minho was two weeks later at a party in their dorm building two stories down from where he stayed, one of the more energetic and extroverted souls that lived in the room next to his had managed to drag him and Jeongin along with him to the party  
he sat awkwardly on some couch with weird stains on it sipping his slightly alcoholic punch Jisung had handed him before running off to chat to his friends, dragging Jeongin along with him, noting how he was so innocent and needed to be watched at all times, Jeongin had given Felix a smile that read "help me." before he disappeared into the crowd of college students. 

he looked around the room, considering just leaving and going to buy a new pack of cigarettes, but as he got up he spotted Minho through the window sitting alone outside on the balcony with a stick of nicotine hanging from his lips.  
and Felix thought he might as well, seeing as they had that conversation at 5 in the morning. and there was something about how he looked deeply into the darkness of the wintery landscape outside that made him want to get to know the boy more, nothing more than that.  
so he opened the door to the balcony after putting down his red cup of disgusting liquid and turned around to close it, and when he turned back Minho was looking at him with an expression that read suprise and confusion  
"is there something on my face?" he asked  
"no, just didn't take you for a party type of guy, glad to see you here though"  
"yeah me neither, but Jisung dragged me and Jeongin along with him. what about you? didn't exactly take you for a party guy either"  
"Hyunjin really wanted me to come, even made me put of one of his fancy shirts after insulting my style of clothes" Minho said pointing to his black fully buttoned up shirt, Felix thought it would look better with a couple buttons undone and so in his tipsy state he reached over and unbuttoned two of them  
"now it looks fancier" he then stated, too intoxicated to be embarrassed about what he just did  
he thought he could see Minho's face grow slightly redder before telling him "well you're the art student, you know best" and he went to pull out two cigarettes, putting one in his mouth and handing the other to Felix  
"you look like you need one" he added  
Felix let out a laugh, "yeah I was just about to leave to get a new pack before I spotted you, thanks" he replied, pushing his head towards Minhos lighter until smoke came out in a little cloud from the end of the stick. 

Felix found himself growing to like Minho's personality more and more after a few run ins to eachother in the dorm or right outside of it, he didn't feel drained from his presence and so there was no way he could say no when Minho refused to tell him where they were going and only that it was a suprise  
he followed him up the stairs for three stories til they reached the highest one and then Minho pointed to a ladder leading up to the roof  
"it can be our new smoking spot!" he said with a smile spead across his face  
"is it open??" Felix asked  
"yeah! c'mon let's go!" he said almost jumping around with joy  
"alright" he said and returned the smile before climbing up the ladder and pushing open the lid thing before climbing on to the roof

there was about 5 meters each way surrounded by a small type of fence before the roof went sideways down  
"are you coming?" he asked Minho, looking down and reaching his hand out to his  
"yeah of course" he said, grabbing a hold of Felix's hand and slowly getting up, not letting go of his hand even when he closed the lid.  
he thought Minho looked a bit pale  
"you okay?" he asked, before adding "wait, you're scared of heights aren't you?"  
"a little bit?" he replied moving closer to Felix  
"and so you thought it would be a good idea to go sit on the roof of a 8 story building?"  
"I thought it would be okay if I was with someone, and I mean.. it's not that bad" but he could feel the way his hand was shaking  
"I'll keep you safe, don't worry" he told him and he could feel Minho relax more

that was only the first night they spent up on the roof together, and Felix even found himself wandering back to the roof alonewhenever he felt like he needed to feel.  
although his pain didn't make itself known when he was with Minho it certainly didn't stop it from returning the second he sat down on his bed at night. 

it must have been around mid december one night when Felix found himself back on the roof alone, having been here earlier with Minho before he had to go to dance practice with Hyunjin and Jisung.  
he looked up at the stars and felt the deep pain return to his chest. as the days had gotten darker and longer Felix found it harder and harder to keep up his walls, especially around Minho as they were now spending a lot of time together.  
he desperately wanted the feeling to go away,he didn't understand why he was in so much pain when school was going alright and he had an okay social life and he had Minho to talk to and smoke with

he had everything he thought he needed to be happy, so why wasn't he?

he layed down on the cold roof with full view of the stars, they were so clear today, something that normally would ease the feeling of numbness but today it just amplified it.  
"what's the point if one day I'll just end up being nothing at all" he whispered out into the cold air, feeling inevitable tears pricking up in his eyes and rolling down the side of his face, some uncomfortably rolling into his ears. but it didn't matter, nothing did. 

and he fell completely into the darkness of his mind

Minho's point of view

Minho had come to college to dance, how could he not? he had been dancing since he was 4 years old and it was his greatest passion. it seemed to take away any pain, just as the cigarettes did, but dancing always helped more. he had started to smoke when he was 17 after trying one from his friend Changbin, the first time he took a drag he choked on the smoke and coughed his lungs out for a solid three minutes and didn't understand how anyone could want to ever do this to themselves. but after time he found himself craving how new it made him feel. he knew very well how damaging the smoke was to his lungs and body in general, he knew how Hyunjin had seemed to pick up on the smell as he started doing it more regularly, he knew how his mother would be so disappointed if she knew he was doing this to himself- but maybe that was what made it so tempting to continue. he loved how after a couple cigarettes his throat would feel raw and raspy, but it was different and new and it distracted him from the pain that swallowed up his heart after his father passed away in a car accident just after he turned 17.

at first he had cried, he had cried for a solid two weeks and locked himself in his room. he didn't care about anyone else, he was hurting.  
but he soon realized when the two weeks had passed that he was getting nowhere, and that the pain didn't stop no matter how many tears he shed.  
so he just kept it inside, and returned to school and to dance practice to a concerned Hyunjin. he had promised Hyunjin that he was okay, and that was it. even if it was a lie

when he came to college he shared a room with him, he thought he would be content with just talking to him through the year as they shared all classes except for history and went to dance classes together.  
and then one night he woke up drenched in sweat and short of breath after a nightmare about his fathers death, he then proceeded to stumble his way to the bathroom feeling like someone was choking him before throwing off his clothes into a pile and turning the shower on a cold setting before letting himself fully panic.  
he tried taking deep breaths as the cold water constantly hit him in the back keeping him grounded, although it took at least twenty minutes before he was calm enough to step out of the shower and cover himself in a towel before tiredly walking back to his and Hyunjin's room to get clothes

he decided after he was fully dressed that he definitely needed a cigarette after that  
on his way out he spotted one of his roommates Felix on his way down the stairs, he caught a glimpse of the clock on his way down just behind Felix- 05:02 am  
and suddenly he wanted to get to know someone other than Hyunjin.

things had been going so well with him and Felix, they had grown closer through the single month of knowing eachother with no signs of stopping, until suddenly he stopped seeing Felix in the shared living room and kitchen. he stopped seeing him in their one shared history class. it was like he was gone.  
Minho couldn't help but blame himself, how could he fix something he didn't know the cause of? he could think of no other solution but to fix himself, maybe he had been to clingy, maybe he sat too close to Felix on their nights shared at their spot on the roof. 

he felt his anxiety grow as a week had passed with no contact, he never dealt well with people suddenly leaving him.  
it was like he had removed himself from his life, but just almost.  
because Felix still had a nicotine addiction and needed his daily dose of cigarettes.

Minho felt dumb for never checking the roof, so on the 7th night without even as much as seeing a glimpse of Felix he heard a door open and close and quick light footstept against the wooden floor of the apartment he decided there was a chance it could be him. he waited twenty seconds before putting on an old pair of sneakers and following the sounds of the person up to the roof.  
he felt a weight being taken off his shoulders when he saw Felix's black dr martens disappear up the rooftop before the lid closed behind him.  
but then he was left with a dilemma, Felix had obviously wanted to remove himself from Minho's life, who would he then be to push himself back in? he had grown to love Felix and the things about him, and so if it meant letting him have his will who was Minho to take that away?  
he almost went to go back down the three sets of stairs when he heard light sniffling and suddenly a louder sob coming from the direction of the roof  
he wasted almost no time in climbing up the ladder before opening the lid coming face to face with a sobbing Felix curled in on himself. and he felt his heart break for never considering how much Felix was capable of hiding from him.


	2. 909 - EDEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter inspired by the song 909 - EDEN (he's my favorite artist and has been for years, I feel this song really also describes how Felix is feeling in this story, and also how I'm feeling, so it means a lot to me and is one of my all time favorite songs, if not absolute favorite.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has heavy focus on triggering content such as self harm and throwing up (more triggers in the tags)  
> please do take care of yourselves <3  
> I hope you're liking this story so far

Felix's point of view  
-  
when Felix climbed down the ladder from the roof at around 3 am that night he felt absolutely nothing  
he felt like he was in another world, nothing felt real  
he started to wonder if he was going crazy later that night, his thoughts kept him up and he ended up not sleeping.  
-  
"Felix, you have class in 20 minutes right?" Jeongin had asked him that morning  
he looked over at the clock, 08:10 am  
"I'm not feeling that good today so I'll just stay here" he replied, refusing to meet his eyes  
"okay, tell me if you need me to get you anything! I'll be back in a few hours after class" he said and out the door he went  
the quietness that followed made him sink deeper and it felt like the world was spinning all around him while he stood still.  
-  
it was four days later that Chan, his roommate who lived in the room with Changbin across the hall from his knocked and came in after receiving a low "mhm"  
"hey Felix?" he asked quietly, as if he knew anything too loud would be too much for him to handle right now.  
Chan smiled sadly and walked over to his bed and sat down next to him  
"can you sit up for me?" he asked softly

and Felix didn't think he actually had the energy to do so, but something in Chan's voice gave him the power to do so anyways.   
and then he handed him a glass of water which he took first a small sip of, and then drank the whole glass in one go. he hadn't even realized how thirsty he had been  
"thank you" he said in a barely audible voice

he and Chan had bonded a bit the first weeks due to them both being from Australia, plus the older boy just had such a calming energy to him it wasn't hard to be yourself around him. he had opened up about his previous depression to Chan, who was the first person he ever opened up to like that with. of course Chan would notice when Felix was too weak to fight for himself, he really should have seen it coming. 

"I'm going to ask you some questions, you can answer by nodding or shaking your head or in words if you feel up for it, alright?" Chan then asked  
Felix nodded  
"have you been out of this bed this week?"  
he shook his head  
"have you eaten anything?"  
he shook his head again  
"is it painful to be alive right now?"  
he nodded and felt tears falling from his eyes

"oh Felix.." Chan said, pulling him into a hug and letting him cry  
-  
for the next days he would come in with food and water and helped him to brush his teeth and change his clothes

Felix didn't feel like he had the energy to speak except for a small "but what's the point?" when Chan wanted him to go take a shower

on the 7th day he got tired of the growing headache he had from not giving in to his nicotine cravings for a week and managed to drag himself up to the roof.   
the sight of the stars and smell of something other than his room was so overwhelming  
he wondered why it had to be this hard  
and he couldn't breathe  
the pain inside of him felt like it was drowning him alive  
he could hear a noise  
and then he felt a warm soothing hand on his shoulder  
and he felt somewhat better  
-  
Minho's point of view  
-  
"Felix?" no response  
Minho climbed fully up to the roof, closing the lid behind him.  
it had looked like Felix was planning on staying up on the roof for a while as he had many layers of clothes on, his box of paramount golds and lighter layed next to him. he looked so fragile.  
Minho put out his hand to touch his shoulder, unsure if Felix would be okay with that. because he knew from experience that sometimes when everything was already too much touch could make things worse. but when Felix leaned into his soft touch he pulled him onto his lap and stroked his fingers through his hair whispering things such as "it's okay, I'm here, you're safe, you're okay" and after a while he seemed to relax, now only letting out hiccups every now and then  
how could he let him get this bad?  
-  
"I'm sorry" Felix said in a raspy and quiet voice  
"we can talk about this later, alright?" he replied, continuing to stroke his hair which looked like it hadn't been washed in days.  
Felix was a mess in general with deep bags under his eyes and he could feel loose bits of skin all around his fingernails, it was clear he hadn't been taking care of himself.  
but it felt so good to feel his touch again, something he hadn't realized how much he had missed over the last week.  
-  
it took a few days for things to go back to normal, Felix started returning to classes eventually and started to eat, sleep and shower again. Minho could see Chan relax more and more and didn't run into him as often after 2 am in the morning, but he had yet to talk to Felix about what happened.  
he had no idea what had suddenly caused him to completely shut down, that was until they watched a documentary about serial killers in history class and suddenly Felix got up and ran out of the classroom, Minho not far behind.   
he caught up to him when they reached the bathrooms where he found Felix hunched over a toilet throwing up what probably was yesterdays dinner, when he finished he looked up at Minho with teary eyes  
"it can all be over so fast, what's the point?" he asked in a shakey voice  
and then it clicked for him, Felix was scared of dying. he was scared of what was going to happen when he died and if life even was worth living.   
he had been dealing with these thoughts all alone, and that thought alone broke his heart. he felt tears of his own form in his eyes and grabbed Felix's hands and looked him deeply in his eyes.  
his sleeves had gone up slightly and he saw Felix's eyes open wide as he noticed the white lines that covered the inside of Minho's wrists.   
"I promise you there's a point Felix."


	3. Visions of gideon - Sufjan Stevens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inspired by visions of gideon by sufjan stevens, I'll forever be inspired by call me by your name and all songs by Sufjan Stevens remind me of call me by your name.  
> also I'm sorry this chapter is short, I wrote it in class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains triggering content (self harm mostly)!! read tags and read with caution and stay safe loves <3

Felix's point of view  
-  
Felix felt shocked, he felt a deep sting in his heart having seen Minho's secrets spread across his wrists. but he also suddenly felt better, like the thought that one day he would be gone suddenly was pushed aside by something that meant more to him. he wanted to keep Minho from ever doing such harm to himself again.  
he wanted to tell him how much he meant to him and how sorry he was he had been pushing himself away from everything and everyone

but all he could do was cry and let himself fall into Minho's strong hold and warm chest, letting himself take in every bit of warmth and scent of coffee and cigarettes.  
he was so scared and he was still unsure of what life meant to him and what he was supposed to do with himself, but he knew one thing-

he couldn't let Minho go again.  
-  
Minho's point of view  
-  
it had started when he was 17, as well as everything else bad happening after his father died that was when his addiction to self harm had started. it was accidental at first, sometimes when everything got too much he would automatically scratch the back of his hand and it would distract him enough to not loose it in front of anyone. he had to keep Hyunjin thinking he wasn't falling apart, he had to be okay. he had no choice it felt like, his mom had already been through enough with the loss of her husband, she shouldn't have to deal with Minho's emotions and well being on top of that. 

but as he started forgetting more and more things about himself it got harder to cope, he would look in the mirror and be absolutely terrified with who was looking back at him. he didn't feel like himself anymore, but then again who exactly was him? who was Minho?

as these feelings started making themselves clearer he started to consider doing much more harmful things, he had heard about cutting growing up and it started to consume his mind. until one night when the feeling simply was too much for him to handle

that was the first time he took a blade to his wrists, it barely bled but it hurt. it hurt and he liked it  
and he hated that he liked it.  
and that the next time he felt empty his first instinct was to reach for his box of blades that sat ever so innocent looking on his nightstand. 

and he truly couldn't stop,  
and the cuts got deeper over time as he found himself not really caring about scarring, what could be so bad about doing it if it made him feel so much better? sure it was only for a short while until the thoughts came back and he found himself craving the feeling of cold metal to his skin and the blood dripping down onto the piece of toilet paper he had layed down on his lap.  
that was until Hyunjin was over one day and asked why there were bloody tissues in his trashcan, he opened him mouth before closing it again.  
"Minho" Hyunjin said while looking at him seriously with a slight shake to his voice  
"I had a nosebleed" he said in a low voice, not daring to look him in the eyes.  
"Minho" he said again, "look at me"  
and as he looked up to meet his eyes Hyunjin took his left hand into his own, turning it around and pulling his sleeve up

he knew that Hyunjin had managed to figure it out, and so he didn't resist it when he revealed an arm full of red and angry wounds. he let him unravel the darkest parts of him, the ones that could be seen on the outside at the very least.  
"you're not alone Minho, you don't have to fight alone, let me fight with you" Hyunjin said, voice breaking in the middle of it

that day they had hugged and cried, and suddenly it was so much easier for Minho to stop doing it. because he was doing it for someone else. 

it was always easier to fight for someone else.


	4. night trouble - petit biscuit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix travels back to his hometown for Christmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contains triggering content such as vomiting and existential thoughts, read with caution, ilysm <3

Felix's point of view  
-  
He and Minho had talk for hours up on the roof that same night  
he had told him about all his deepest thoughts and fears and how it felt almost suffocating when the depression came every winter  
he had let him know how suddenly last October thoughts of existential dread had consumed him after a classmate of his had suddenly died in a freak accident and he had been stuck in a midlife crisis at only 18, unable to stop thinking about death  
he had distracted himself with painting and smoking for as long as he could, even moved away from his hometown to escape where it happened. but it always had been harder to deal with life when the colder and darker months came around.

Minho had nodded, understanding Felix's mind more. Minho then told him about his past struggles with self harm, anxiety and depersonalization and how his fathers death had triggered it all. he had just as Felix did also thought to move to a new town for college, but his anxiety had followed him all the way.

Felix explained how he understood him, and as they shared cigarette after cigarette on the rooftop that night they both seemed to realized how much lighter they felt after talking.  
and Felix thought that he didn't just want Minho's personality in his life, but his lips were starting to look so soft, he wanted to touch them.  
he pushed the thought to the back of his mind, there was no way Minho felt the same way back. he was sure he was straight. he had to be.  
-  
-  
-  
Christmas break came around a lot quicker than Felix had been ready for, and he was set to travel back to his home for three days to celebrate with his family.  
it hadn't really felt like a celebration, because all he could think of was his previous classmate's death. and as he got on the train that day, the closer he got the more it filled his mind. 

his anxiety was through the roof as he stepped off the train onto shaky legs and was welcomed by his parents and little brother. A thought pushed itself into his mind, "they're all going to die too", before shaking it off and walking into his mothers arms.   
his head wouldn't shut up in the car ride back home either  
"none of this matters"  
"soon it will all be black"  
"is there even any point?"  
"you won't remember any of this and neither will they"

he really had tried to remember Minho's words about how life was what he wanted it to be. he had told him how if he was scared, life would be scary. and that death would come some day, but right now he needed to focus on living. because he might as well, if he was going to die anyways.   
but Minho wasn't here to remind him and hold him until he stopped feeling light headed and nauseous.  
there was only him and his family, who kept getting monotone answers to their questions about what college life was like.   
they only seemed to notice something was off when they drove past the girls house and he went fully quiet and pale  
"are you okay sweetie?" his mother had so nicely asked him  
he quickly nodded  
"just a bit tired" he managed to get out although his throat felt like it was closing up.

he considered texting Minho for help, but remembered how he was probably also just arriving in his childhood home. and he knew he had enough on his plate already, Felix could deal with it himself. He always did up until he met Minho anyways, this was nothing he couldn't handle.

but when they arrived at home Felix felt physically sick, and when he tried eating the dinner his mother had prepared he couldn't help getting up and running fast towards the bathroom before spilling out the content of his stomach and what felt like even more into the toilet. 

but he stayed, and despite his families worried glances he kept telling them he was just feeling a bit carsick and was happy to be home again.  
he stayed to open presents with his brother the next morning and he stayed to play with his brother who had grown so much taller in the short amount of time he had been gone  
which just made the feeling growing in his chest worse  
and he decided he couldn't stay any longer than that

he felt like a coward for not even being able to be home without needing to escape, it wasn't how things were supposed to be.   
but he still left  
he said his classes started a day earlier and he was driven to the station. almost fully loosing his mind when they passed her house once again. but as he got on the train and it got closer to his stop, the feeling grew smaller.   
and he felt like he could finally breath again.

and he thought he would be fine,  
but as he stepped off the bus outside the dorms and saw a figure leaning against the wall with a cloud of smoke slowly drifting towards the sky, he broke.  
he broke and there was only one person in the world able to out him back together  
and he was right there in seconds, holding him tightly in his arms as he cried his eyes out


End file.
